I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
