You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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