Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
