I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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