shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
