I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dear god my vagina.
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