I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
