How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
