just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
