My sheets look like a crime scene.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
