so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
