You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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