True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
