I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
