If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
