Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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