Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
