I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
