his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have post one night stand depression
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