I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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