someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
