I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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