Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
