I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
