Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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