shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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