Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
