Your dad touched me again.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
