Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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