@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
