You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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