Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm like, not good at living.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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