I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
