If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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