All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you traded sex for a burrito?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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