have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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