Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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