the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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