K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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