Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
