hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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