Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
