I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
