mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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