Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
