i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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