Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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