Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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