Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
