A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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