dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
