How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
