the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
