just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
