I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
